It’s been a while.
I had to look back to see where I had left things, because so much has happened that I honestly had no idea. Catharine was finally discharged just before Thanksgiving, and it took another month before she could get out of bed to use the commode without help, and longer until she could use the actual bathroom.
Today, she’s in better shape than she was before things started in June. There’s still recovery to go, there’s still stuff to juggle, but she’s doing really well, all things considered.
I’m not.
I’m extremely good at coping. I’m the girl you want around when a crisis hits, because I’m calm, I’m good at problem solving, I remember things, and I know my lane. I coped. Over and over and over.
The problem with being good at coping is that when the crisis is finally over, all the feelings and stress that I put aside in order to cope show back up. Basically, in March we hit the nine-month anniversary of Catharine going into the hospital. Her last home health visit happened that week (PT). The last day of the personal care assistant was that week. We were, to varying extents, back to normal.
And I fell the fuck apart. Crying at everything. Absolutely exhausted. My PCP was like, yeah, I’m not sure how you’ve kept it together, but it’s time to stop. My therapist agreed.
So I’ve been taking a break and trying to rest and reset. I’m returning to meditation and morning pages. I’m reading. I’m doing a little writing. I’m rethinking the boundaries I need to have at work and at home. I’m trying to put down my tendencies to want to be doing things all the time.
Life is, of course, not entirely cooperating. We have a bathroom renovation starting this afternoon. The deck, which we were getting repaired and restained, is waiting for us to have four dry days in a row to be finished, which means I can’t make a nest outside where I won’t hear the construction. Maddie, our nearly 20yo cat, is declining and requiring daily meds, which she doesn’t really love. Catharine is still pretty limited in a lot of ways.
But it’s spring. The trees are flowering. The Japanese maple is leafing out. The days are longer, which is making it easier for me to do things.
And I’m here on my chaise, tea in hand, exhaling.
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